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| © Provided by The Independent |
By Natasha Preskey, The Independent
The day the UK went into lockdown,
Sarah Dixon, 50, waved goodbye to her daughter. Although the prime
minister’s broadcast was still hours away, social media had been full of
speculation that the government was about to impose strict new rules to
control the spread of coronavirus.
The 18-year-old – Dixon’s youngest child – was worried that she would
be kept apart from her boyfriend if the rumours came true.
So
Dixon, and her husband Stephen, who have four children, gave their
blessing for her to go and live with her partner. “She cried because she
didn’t want to leave,” Dixon tells The Independent. “But within the space of an hour, though, she’d packed up her car, driven off, and we didn’t see her for three months.”
The
couple were left to see out lockdown alone – the first time in over 20
years they’d spent a week by themselves. “In the back of my mind I
always thought ‘Oh god, I wonder what it’s going to be like when it’s
just him and me’,” Dixon explains. But as the weeks drew on, they
settled into a routine, enjoying daily sunset beach walks, and
gardening.
Three months later, the easing of lockdown brought another
drastic change. Their eldest son lost his job and he, his wife, and his
younger brother, all came back to the family home. Sarah and Stephen
went from living alone as a couple, to the house being the busiest it
has been in five years.
Lockdown has changed the
nature of many relationships; some it has taken away as we’re stopped
from seeing colleagues, friends and family (other than on Zoom); some
couples have been forced to work and live with each other 24/7; other
couples leapfrogged traditional milestones to move in together [on 24
March, Jenny Harries, chief medical officer, said couples should move in together
to “test the strength” of their relationship], and some parents left
with an empty nest. This 100-day period was seen by many as the ultimate
relationship reckoning.
For a lot of people,
however, the easing of lockdown has actually triggered more upheaval.
Research from relationship counselling charity Relate, suggests that this time feels “make or break” for many couples.
Of the 2,058 UK adults surveyed, 8 per cent in relationships said that
they’ve decided they need to end it with their partner, 10 per cent said
lockdown had made them realise they want to propose and 17 per cent
(and 28 per cent among 16-34-year-olds) admitted to feeling anxious
about how their relationship will change when lockdown ends.
For
Clare and Jane Billings-Deed, lockdown meant no time together at all.
They were locked down with their 17-year-old daughter, who was
shielding, and they both continued to work full time. Clare’s job
working from home for a charity and Jane’s work as a social worker –
which sometimes required going to the office – meant emotionally-intense
days but without the usual support from colleagues. “We were stuck in
our environment with no way of getting that out,” says Clare, who admits
lockdown caused tensions, as there was no breathing room.
Now
that lockdown is beginning to ease, Jane and Clare are craving time
with friends but are finding government guidance confusing to navigate.
“The inconsistency and uncertainty have been the biggest factor that’s
affected our relationship,” says Clare, “It’s been quite traumatic”.
Jane adds: “Because you don’t feel safe.” For many couples a difference
of opinion over the rules, and how to follow them, can cause tension as
we reintegrate with the world – especially if you have been spending
24/7 together and have relied on each other for support.
For
Emma*, 55, who has a chronic illness, the new freedoms have increased
her anxiety, while her husband, who is very sociable and plays gigs in
pubs as part of his work, is eager to see friends again. “My anxiety
goes up through the roof, and that will sometimes impact on him,” she
explains. “It is difficult, you argue, but I think one of the things
that has helped is the fact that we’ve been together for so long.”
Relate relationship counsellor Holly Roberts, tells The Independent
that one partner being keener than the other for rules to be relaxed is
a common disconnect for many couples, and advises talking openly about
your worries and negotiating an approach that feels safe and comfortable
for both of you. “Perhaps the more sociable partner might go to the pub
once a week rather than every single day,” she suggests. “It’s trying
to get a balance but not judging yourself or other people. Feel okay
about the fact that ‘I’m nervous about this’. Everybody is in a
different place, accept that it’s okay to not feel okay about this.”
For lots of couples that have been forced to spend time apart, perhaps that time and the distance has created doubt in their relationship...
For
other couples the problem is learning to get used to each other again.
Until the government introduced “social bubbles” on June 13, Mike, 32,
who lives in Beverly, east Yorkshire, was unable to see his partner,
from York, at all. Increased demand meant Mike’s job at a pizza delivery
company was busier than ever and 60-70-hour weeks left him with limited
opportunities to video chat his partner, who was furloughed from his
job at a furniture store. Last month, the couple were finally able to meet in person after nearly three months apart.
Roberts
says that for many couples this reunion isn’t plain sailing. “For lots
of couples that have been forced to spend time apart, perhaps that time
and the distance has created doubt in their relationship,” she explains.
“They might be worrying that actually they felt okay about being apart
from each other.”
For others, reunions have
inevitably struggled to live up to the pressure placed upon them. Emily
Grand, 25, moved back to the Isle of Wight to live with her parents
during lockdown while her boyfriend remained in Bristol. In mid-July,
the couple finally met up for a day-trip to the New Forest. “I think we
both were like, ‘This will be a really good thing because we’ll get to
hang out and it’ll make it easier for however long we’ve got to keep
going until’,” she recalls. “But I think both of us have felt,
afterwards, it was just sad having to say goodbye again.”
For
couples who lived together during the lockdown, this period might be
their first taste of separation after months spent together. And for
those who had only been dating a short time, it may also be their first
experience of seeing each other in the wider context of their normal
life and all the friends, colleagues and responsibilities that come with
that, Roberts says.
“We saw this not that long ago with some new couples – I think
there was almost a realisation that perhaps they actually did have
completely separate lives and didn’t really know each other very well,
despite having spent all that time together,” she says.
To
help maintain closeness amid increasing demands on each partner’s time
and attention as the world opens up again, Roberts advises scheduling in
time together as you would with a friend. “Maybe it’s that every
Saturday morning you’re going to have a lovely breakfast and coffee
together and then see friends in the afternoon,” she says. “It’s really
easy to get sucked into something else or distracted by other exciting
opportunities out there now that lockdown is easing.”
And
for families finding themselves thrust into a new structure – living
with relatives or in groups that you might not have chosen – Roberts
advises boundary-setting (both emotional and physical) from the outset.
“Is it okay to have friends around, with the idea of social distancing?
Is that going to be an issue? [Who] is expected to contribute to the
finances,” she says.
With lockdown easing we were
promised a return to “normal” but it increasingly seems that the world
post-corona will be anything but. Trying to get there – on the same page
as our friends, family and loved ones – might not be as easy as we’d
always assumed.
See more at The Independent
